Holiday Tour Day 18: Stock Fiction and EVOLVED

Simply sophisticated

The show’s about to start, ladies and gentlemen! Please find your seats and we’ll begin shortly. But first, a short housekeeping announcement:

We have just seven days left before the Holiday Tour ends, and with it the special 20% OFF FOREVER discount on a Cacao Muse membership. In our world, forever really does mean forever. You pay once for the year, and you’re done paying—for all future years. You get all the premium content. All the deliciousness we’re prepping for 2024 and beyond. That’s like paying once for your grocery bill and then you get to go in and get any groceries you like for free for the rest of your life.

Ok maybe not totally the same thing but close enough…

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At the end of Day 17, we left you, dear reader, hanging, and for that we do not apologize. It was intentional. We left you with the brain-wrecking conundrum of what happens when a bunch of different people, namely:

• A waitress
• A florist
• An actress
• A singer
• A dancer
• A director
• A choreographer
• A specialty food store manager
• A cooking class instructor
• A personal chef
• A Victoria’s Secret retail associate
• A Segway tour guide
• A theater camp counselor
• A farmstand worker
• A hardware store clerk
• A church office administrator
• A theater box office manager

…walk into a bar. What do all of these people have in common? No one knows. What is certain is that only one person walked out. The other dilemma we must face is, what chocolate can possibly match all of these widely disparate personalities?

Ah, the glorious life of theatre!

You’re about to meet this tenacious survivor of what appears to have been a ferocious fight of feral identities. And the chocolate pairing is just so à propos.

TCM Holiday Tour Day 18 pairing:

STOCK FICTION and EVOLVED

Meet Meg Oolders. A woman of many talents, experiences, and numerous feathers in numerous hats worn. This is the person who walked out of that bar… for all of those identities, are Meg. She is the consummate Renaissance woman, the multi-hyphenate of multi-hyphenates, la donna a capo di tutti i capi—

[Sound of a disapproving meowing growl]

Boss Cat: Ehi! Io sono il capo di tutti i capi. Io, non lei.¹

Ah, our favorite feline has returned. We should have known, with the Venetian masks in this feature. He’s still a little behind the times… back in the day, women bosses weren’t a thing, but things are different now, Boss Cat. You’ve got to adapt. Evolve. Try some white chocolate every once in a while.

Boss Cat: Che sciocchezza! Il cioccolato bianco non è vero cioccolato.²

As we were saying. But let’s give the floor to Meg so she can say it in her own voice.

Meg: I have many voices and wear many hats, but there is only one of me on the planet. As far as I know. My past work experience runs an indecisively impressive gamut. I’ve been… (in no particular order, see the above list). Oh and I was in a band.

Now I’m simply a novelist, poet, humorist, wife, and mother.

I also do yoga, walk several miles a day, and dance in my kitchen.

I like cake and flowers and can make art with both.

Cake, by Meg Oolders

I have big goals, small expectations, thin skin, and a rapier wit. In a duel I would choose bawdy banter at sun-up. Because I’m a morning person.

I grew up near the ocean and it still pulls at me.

My friendships are few, but fabulous.

I really like my family.

I have a lot to say, and writing helps me say it.

Please welcome

Meg Oolders

and

Stock Fiction

.

Is this the same woman? It’s all in the hair m’dear.

The Cacao Muse: Delighted to welcome you to the Holiday Tour Meg! We’re still trying to wrap our neurons around your resumé. How would you describe Stock Fiction?

Meg Oolders: Stock Fiction is entertainment for open minded people who like surprises and enjoy reading whatever I throw at them, like gutsy short fiction and poetry, illuminating essays, irreverent humor, multimedia projects, and more. I’m also the author of several young adult novels.

Birgitte: Tell them about the award, Meg!

Meg: Oh yes. My story “See Dot Smile” is a 2023 Watty Award winner.

Birgitte [to Boss Cat]: See? Now you understand why she’s a Boss?

Boss Cat: Complimenti alla signora Meg per aver vinto il premio. Ma sono ancora il capo dei capi.³

TCM: Is there anything you’ve always wondered about, with chocolate?

Meg: Everyone says that white chocolate is not chocolate—

Boss Cat: Esattamente! È quello che ho detto io.⁴

Meg: —and most would say it’s trash. Apparently you too, Boss Cat! Sometimes I’m a fan though, so I’m wondering, is there any type of white chocolate that is allowed to rub elbows with its milk/dark counterparts???

Boss Cat: No. Assolutamente nessuno.⁵

Birgitte: Well, what’s your favorite chocolate, Meg?

Meg: My favorite chocolate is dark chocolate—if I had to choose a brand it would be Dove (don’t hit me) and specifically Dove ice cream bars. The classic with vanilla ice cream and dark chocolate. Heaven. 

TCM: We do not exercise corporal punishment against those who have been led astray by Big Chocolate. We also seek to enlighten those who would believe myths spun around white chocolate.

[INTERMISSION]

Ladies and gentlemen, we shall now take a few minutes of intermission so that you may go look in your pantry for any white chocolate in your household. You may bring it to the front of the stage to have them examined by our inhouse experts. Please be warned any fake white chocolate shall be confiscated and you shall be issued the real thing.

[Five minutes later. The show resumes]

Birgitte: To answer your question, Meg, white chocolate is real chocolate. As confirmed by our friend Clay Gordon at The Chocolate Life, the proof lies in Title 21, Chapter 1, Subchapter B, Part 163 Section 124 (21.163.124) of the U.S. Code of Federal Regulations. Herein you may find the definitions, aka standards of identity, for Cacao Products.

[Boss Cat clutches his heart, sputtering obscenities in Italian]: #$@! % !

[Still wheezing from the shock, Boss Cat winds his way stealthily through the Venetian masks, pausing behind one to examine the bar that’s about to be brought forth.]

Birgitte: Not only that—white chocolate can be decidedly sophisticated. Let me present to you Simply White by EVOLVED. Made with real cacao butter, cashews, and jerusalem artichoke fiber, flavored with vanilla, and sweetened with organic monk fruit. Simply exquisite.

[Canned audience ooh’s and aah’s play]

Chocolate: Simply White

Percentage: Unlisted

Origin: Rainforest Alliance Certified blend ethically sourced from the Dominican Republic, Congo, and Africa.⁶

Ingredients: Organic cashews, organic cacao butter, organic jerusalem artichoke fiber, organic monk fruit extract, organic vanilla bean

Price: $20 for 4 bars

Tasting Notes: The blend of cashew and jerusalem artichoke is an unusual but intriguing choice—it tempers the expected sweetness of the white chocolate, imparting a nutty, creamy flavor. The signature zing of monk fruit does announce itself a touch too far, however, altering the subtle flavor of the cacao butter—we’d prefer a little less or even none. This bar is dairy-free, organic, plant-based, and keto- and paleo-friendly.

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TCM: What message would you send to chocolate makers everywhere?

Meg: I would love to see more transparency across the board—from sourcing to labor practices to production. As a parent, the number of choices I have to make in a day about what my kids eat, drink, wear, watch, and listen to is overwhelming. It should be easier for parents to make informed decisions about candy, which no happy childhood is complete without!

Birgitte: Fellow mama here. I’ve been teaching my daughter how to read ingredient lists on food since she was three, and pointing out all the baddies. Peer pressure around Halloween especially still runs strong, but her digestive system is so used to the good chocolate that she literally feels sick after eating junk food and candy. That I’d say is the best teacher!

By the way, Boss Cat. Are you convinced now that white chocolate is the real deal?

Boss Cat [makes paw gesture]: Credo. Ma deve essere vero cacao.⁷

In parting, Meg would like to share a haiku she wrote. It’s about hope and coffee. Both pair phenomenally well with chocolate, don’t you think?

sugar first, always
the cream, seconds from stirring
leaves me inspired

We hope you, dear reader, have been inspired by this and the seventeen other featured writers and chocolates on the Tour thus far, and shall bestow upon Meg and me the honor of your likes, comments, shares, and restacks.

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COMING UP! DAY 19 of the TCM HOLIDAY TOUR

Ms. Oolders is just one of the numerous Renaissance women who inhabit the luminous pages of the Substack gardens. You’ve already met several. Tomorrow, we meet a real renegade.

In the meantime, dip your email into the subscription fields above and below:

1. Translation from the Italian: Hey! I am the boss of all bosses. Not her.

2. Translation: What nonsense! White chocolate isn’t real chocolate.

3. Translation: Congratulations to Ms. Meg for winning the award. But I'm still the boss of bosses. [Yeah we don’t get the sudden switch to Italian either but are guessing it’s related to the theme of the feature. The Venetian masks must have triggered something.]

4. Translation: Exactly! That’s what I said.

5. Translation: No. Absolutely none.

6. As stated on the Evolved website.

7. Translation: I suppose. But it must be real cacao.