Will chocolate make me gain weight?
Never, ever, respond to this question. Ever.
This is a deeply loaded and potentially life-altering question. Never, ever, answer this question if the person asking is:
Your wife
Your girlfriend
Any other type of Significant Other
The woman you want to be your girlfriend/wife/SO
Your mother
Your grandmother
Your daughter, sister, aunt, niece, or female cousin
Any other member of your female bloodlines
If you respond “yes,” you will consign the person to a life not lived to the fullest, because they will give up even the finest craft chocolate for a fleeting idea of the “ideal weight.” (Thanks Instagram.)
If you say “no,” and the person ends up stuffing their face with the wrong kind (read: sugar- and fat-laden) chocolate, they will gain weight, and you’ll be the poor SOB who lied to them.
If you say “maybe,” you will single-handedly ruin the reputation of America’s best craft chocolate makers.
If you say “I don’t know,” you will come across as an uneducated, uncultured ground sloth.
If the person asking is not of the kind listed above, it is still better not to answer it. Guys worry about their weight too, you know. They just don’t publicly obsess about it. Instead, direct the inquisitive soul to this very page, starting BELOW THE CACAO BEANS ⬇.
Oh and if you did answer, and especially if you let one of the two lethal words out of your mouth (either “yes” or “no”), there is still a small nanosliver of hope for your continued survival on this planet. Steady your breathing and your voice, look your loved one right in the eyes, and offer them something that will instantly make them forget their righteous ire: A gift subscription to The Cacao Muse.
Q: Will chocolate make me fat gain weight?
A: The answer to the question “Will chocolate make me gain weight?” is “It depends.”
First, it depends on what kind of chocolate we’re talking about (and you, presumably, are about to eat). If it’s a commercial candy bar, as in Mars, Almond Joy, Snickers, or similar concoctions, it will certainly wreak havoc on your health, peel a few days off your estimated lifespan, and likely cause you to put on an extra pound. This is not because of the cacao (the little they put in), but because of all the sugar, fat, and unhealthy ingredients that are typically stuffed into these bars. If, on the other hand, it’s a high quality, high cacao content craft chocolate bar with non processed ingredients, you generally do not need to worry about weight gain. I’ve been eating dark craft chocolate for years and never gained a pound because of it.
Second, it depends on when in your eating patterns you consume said chocolate. If, for example, you chomp down on a Kit Kat bar before lunch or on an otherwise empty stomach, your glucose levels will go through the roof and predispose your body to turning all that processed sugar into fat. If it’s a bar of fine craft chocolate with coconut sugar, that glucose spike won’t be as terrifying—but it is still not advisable to start any meal with a non-fiber food.
Ideally, according to one of my favorite books on glucose, you want to eat your salad or veggies (read: fiber) first, then proteins and fats (whether animal or plant), and finally the starches and sugars. In other words, do as the good people of the Mediterranean region do. Not the opposite and not in any other order.
Third, it depends on the quantity consumed. Are you about to head to the stage for a chocolate bar eating contest? Consuming 20 chocolate bars in one sitting is bound to do some damage to the scale. But if you have a square of (good quality!) dark chocolate, even half a bar, and even every day, you’ll be fine. What do we think about doing a hot dog eating contest instead? Sure, if you like a slow painful death ten years from now that you’re going to blame on the second-hand smoke from the pipe of an unsuspecting grandpa just trying to enjoy an afternoon in the park while you did your long-overdue 4-mile run.
Fourth, it depends on your fitness level. Do you exercise regularly? Do you exercise at all? Or is your definition of movement scrolling up and down screens of various shapes and sizes? If you’re not reasonably active, your metabolism wants to have a word with you. Pro tip for those who practice fitness: cacao nibs can turbocharge your workout!
Fifth and final, it depends on your overall state of health. If you’re in good health, you’re in luck—but don’t push that luck. Being healthy doesn’t mean you should be shoveling junk candy. If you’re diabetic, no need to despair—you don’t have to deprive yourself of the flavor heaven that is good chocolate, as long as it’s high quality chocolate. Stay above 70% and avoid bars with added fat, processed sugar and other unhealthy ingredients. If you have any other conditions that preclude you from consuming sweets —
[Sound of door slamming and footsteps huffing away]
You: Oh, great. They just left. Now I’m gonna hear it for a month. Why couldn’t you just answer the question??
Cacao Muse: We did answer. And what do you mean the person left? They’re not reading the post anymore? Was it too long? Too complicated?
You: They just wanted a “yes” or “no” answer.
Cacao Muse: I see. Well that’s probably an indication of a deeper problem in the relationship…
While you decide whether to go running after your chocolate-fearing friend or eat the chocolate bar they left on the table, be sure to smack this button right here below (you know, to release some of that frustration you’re feeling right now).
This is but one of many, many more questions to come in our FACQ series. Of course, if you’re burning with a specific question that you simply cannot contain, and fear your internal organs might implode if you don’t fulfill the need to have said burning question answered, please know I’m the last person who wants to be responsible for physical damage to my readers. Email it to me and I shall reply.
Please note however that a question answered =/= a desire satisfied.